Abiding…

Been awhile I know.  I’ve wanted to write but have struggled with telling my story without betraying Walter’s.  In many ways the last two months have been the hardest yet and we continue to struggle.  Walter continues to push and test and try and divide me and Duddette.  We’ve become very good at tag teaming him for our own sanity but life on egg shells makes your knees weak after sometime.  In many ways Walter is bonding with us and that is why things have been so tumultuous.  As he bonds, he gets scared or insecure pulls away and we start a new.

There’s no end in sight with court and everyone says he should be with us but no one has said he will be yet.  We hope once this is all over he can settle into being a well adjusted little boy.  We hope we can help him with his anger.  We hope a lot these days.  Also cry a lot.  It’s been hard and we’ve been doing it alone with the exception of our therapist who frankly I don’t know what we’d do without.

Right now, we don’t know if he’ll stay.  It changes nothing.  We love him and make him feel safe.  If you miss the blog check out the Facebook page.  I put shorter, humorous stuff up there from time to time and you don’t have to sign up to see it.  Thanks for reading.

Abide.

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Day by day, pin by pin…

Not a bad day really.  I had to stay up all day with Walter cause Dudette worked.  That’s always hard.  At the public pool Walter had taken my change from the bag.  I asked him to put it back and he told me it was his.  I politely informed him it wasn’t and repeated my request and he again refused letting me know under no certain circumstances it was his.  I walked away and took some deep breathes.  I came back and asked again and we repeated the above.  So I walked away again.  Third time I roll up and say “Put the change back or we leave now.”  He says, “No.”  I grab the bag to go and he says, “I put it back.”  I can hear it jingle.  I say, “Cool, you want to swim?”

“No, you aren’t even in the pool.”  he says.  I say, “you found some friends you were swimming with.  Seemed like you were having fun and I wanted to lie down.”

“They’re gone!” he yells.  I calmly say, “So lets get in.  I’ll get in.”  He comes back with “You said we’re leaving.”  I was so tired I didn’t want to fight so I took him up on it.  He was pissed of course.  What he didn’t expect was I made him walk home with me instead of taking the bus.  I was determined to wear him out physically one way or another.  No more fresh kid at bedtime.  We walk past the bus stop and he says, “Where you going Dude?”  Mind you the walk is maybe a half a mile.  3-4 blocks.  Not terrible, not a stroll but more than dooable.

“Walking home.”  At an intersection he refused to cross and sat on the corner for about ten minutes.  I watched the lights cycle three times before he got bored and started to walk again.  We saw a young lady with a violin case so I struck up a conversation with her.  The talk of music brought Walter around and he got over the change.  We stopped at Taco Bell got some nachos and Burrito and abided the rest of the day.

Tonight we had a flawless bedtime.  Dudette told me he mentioned today he thought we were going to call and have him moved.  Breaks my heart that he could even think that.  Honestly we discussed it.  We both know it’s just talk.  We’ll see how today goes.  Either way we abide.

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No end to the middle…

It’s been an extremely hard few weeks.  Some changes with Walter’s bio family have brought on a renewed vigor to his tantrums and fits.  He’s upped the ante in a lot of ways and frankly it’s wearing the Dudette and I down.  Tonight was one of the harder nights and I can’t speak for my lady but I’m not proud of myself.  I was very un-Dudelike but the mind games, passive aggressive struggle for control had just pushed me and Dudette too far.  I got to leave for work and Dudette finally got him to open up that the incidents with the bio family are weighing on his mind.  She text me this and I think to myself, “of course it is. ” I wonder what the hell is wrong with a grown man who loses sympathy for a little boy who’s lost so much.  I can’t blame, or be angry with him because he can’t find words and frankly has grown up with no certainty.  No structure.  He’s got to trust me and Dudette and frankly we both need to take a deep breath and suck it up.  We just thought we’d be so much further with the legal battle and permanency by now and we are not one inch closer to adopting this little boy than we were in January and there is no end in sight.  At this moment I don’t know where I’ll find the strength.  Don’t tell me God either, unless he can babysit.

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Walter spells…

Been awhile since I’ve updated.  It’s been a rough time.  We’ve had some escalations and regressions but seem to bounce back to a good place after episodes.  Dudette and I had been having trouble talking but I think that bubble popped tonight and we both are ready to abide again.  I’ll try and update more but things have just been heavy and I’ve not had the energy.

Our neighbor struck up a conversation with me and Walter today.  He told me he had a bad week and had to go to “J.A.I.L.”  As soon as he spelled it out I knew what was coming he’d ben better saying the pokey or even the big house.  Walter says, “Jail?!?  You went to jail?!?  Dude he spelled jail!”  The neighbor looked at me slack jawed and I just smiled and said, “spellin’ don’t work dude.”  Abide.

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100th Blog Post!

Let’s do a State of the Dude-ion here for the 100th what da ya say?  Did you say Abide?  Good you’re learning.  So it’s been 5 months since Walter has touched down.  He struggling in school still but with three weeks left we are doing the minimum to get by.  The principal agrees it is what is best for him. The teacher does not but I’d listen to  her as closely as I listen to Fox News.

Walter had a major melt down after his visit this week.  He cried for hours that “he’s never been with his mom since he was a baby.”  It broke our hearts and all we could do was hug and empathize.  He told us he was horrible kid and that if he did just a little better his mommy would take him home.  I told him there is only one thing in this world I know for sure, 100% and that is that none of this is his fault.  He didn’t buy it but I told him he’d just have to trust us.  He ended up finally going to sleep past 2am.  Dudette did not take him into bed with her because that would be illegal.  I did not find him on my side when I came home from work.  He woke up in an amazingly good mood and his spirits have been high two days running.  We will enjoy it while we can because as hard as it is now, this is the easy part.  We need to tell him he’s not going to be seeing his mommy and sister anymore soon and I’m not quite sure how that is going to play out.  We having great counselors though and they are helping the whole way.  It’s like a hurricane.  We know it’s coming, we’ve secured the house now we just wait for the storm and see if we can stand it.

Walter has another court date in two weeks and unlike last time there will be no drama about telling him about it.  The kid loves court.  They give him pizza and teddy bears.  I don’t understand what they could possibly need with him again but I there’s nothing I can do but wait and see.  Dudette and I talked briefly about what would happen if he leaves.  I told her we’ll deal with that if we have to.  Whether he stays or goes our game plan is the same.  Love him, keep him safe and do right by him.

Abide.

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Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right…

I believe it is starting to dawn on Walter he might be here for awhile and understandably so it is confusing.  Frankly it’s confusing for me so I’m not sure how he must be feeling.  He had a heart to heart with Dudette last night and told her she felt like his mommy but he loved his BM too.  It was quite a moment for them from what I heard.  He’s still working through the sadness of not getting to be with mom and I’m not sure where he is with it.  He cried for her again tonight.  He was pushing me all evening.  Everything was one more.  “Can I have three cookies?”  “How about 2”  “No three!”  “Ok, three fine.” “No four!”  VIETNAM.  This happened a few times and he won’t be playing outside tomorrow but just tried my best to not spoil him outright just because but empathize with the fact that he’s starting to realize the one thing he is most desperate for he is not going to get so suddenly these little tiny battles become important.  So cookies, one more bounce of the ball or a extra ten minutes of Art Time before bed can send a little boy into crying fits to his room.

A lot of people would advocate dropping the hammer at this point.  Ground him, show him what’s it like to have nothing so he will stop being bad and selfish.  I feel in my heart he already believes he’s bad. If we pile on he’s never going to come out from under this.  Punishment for this behavior is simply putting out fires, I want to convince Walter to leave the matches alone.  I did not do well tonight.  I was very un-Dudelike but 4 hours of sleep and a 12 hour day will do that to you.  It wasn’t all him or me.  We have bad days and have to move on.  I fear this is the calm before the storm and I won’t lie.  It’s on my mind quite a bit.

Abide.

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Visit…

Visit went as well as it could.  Dudette and I didn’t monitor closely because we didn’t want to talk the endgame out with BM in front of Walter.  I told Dudette there was nothing she could say to him we couldn’t handle.

He’s acting up today as expected but what he’s not ready for is I’m playing chess while he thinks it’s checkers.  He’s just a confused hurt little boy.

We told him if he got to school on time everyday this month we’d give him two days off in June.  I actually told the principal we were doing this and her only reply was, “that’s awesome!”  He lost a day this week but the loss got him back on track.

He’s in a self imposed time out right now and god help the doors.  He’s feeling slammy.  Wonder how much allowance it will take to replace a bedroom door?

Abide.

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