No end to the middle…

It’s been an extremely hard few weeks.  Some changes with Walter’s bio family have brought on a renewed vigor to his tantrums and fits.  He’s upped the ante in a lot of ways and frankly it’s wearing the Dudette and I down.  Tonight was one of the harder nights and I can’t speak for my lady but I’m not proud of myself.  I was very un-Dudelike but the mind games, passive aggressive struggle for control had just pushed me and Dudette too far.  I got to leave for work and Dudette finally got him to open up that the incidents with the bio family are weighing on his mind.  She text me this and I think to myself, “of course it is. ” I wonder what the hell is wrong with a grown man who loses sympathy for a little boy who’s lost so much.  I can’t blame, or be angry with him because he can’t find words and frankly has grown up with no certainty.  No structure.  He’s got to trust me and Dudette and frankly we both need to take a deep breath and suck it up.  We just thought we’d be so much further with the legal battle and permanency by now and we are not one inch closer to adopting this little boy than we were in January and there is no end in sight.  At this moment I don’t know where I’ll find the strength.  Don’t tell me God either, unless he can babysit.

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3 Responses to No end to the middle…

  1. Allison says:

    I’m sorry, Dude! I can totally relate. Our legal battle dragged on and on, even though the kids were placed with us for adoption. Being in a legal-risk adoptive situation is very, very hard–as if parenting traumatized children wasn’t a big enough rollercoaster. There’s the pain of knowing that your children have been hurt at a deep level, over and over. Then, there’s the frustration of being unable to protect the children you love from more emotional pain and trauma with “the System” and everyone involved in it. Add the wacky, heart-breaking, often dangerous behavior through which our kids act out their fear, anger, and pain. Finally, there’s the pain of knowing that no matter how hard you try, there is no way to be perfect as a parent–even though it seems that their needs are so great that it will take perfection to meet them.

    One of the biggest things our injured kids need to know is what to do when they are wrong. They usually haven’t had a very good example of that where they came from. We have to show them how to recognize when they have “lost it” and hurt someone else, how to make amends by doing their best to make it right with the person they hurt, and how to take steps to keep from repeating the same thing over and over again. We do that by example. We show our children that no matter how hard they try, they are going to blow it sometimes. Then we show them how to repair their dented relationships and seek forgiveness. We also show them how to stop beating themselves up and move on–because it takes all of the energy a person has just to keep going somtimes and carrying the extra load of guilt and remorse when they’ve already done what they could to make things right serves no useful purpose and tends to make it more likely that they will not be at their best when the next challenge comes their way.

    I have been unable to find the strength apart from God, so I don’t know what to tell you about that.

    • thedudedad says:

      I meant no offense by the God comment. I’m not religious but think God overall is a cool dude. Little vague which has caused some issues but he means well. 😉

  2. Sarah says:

    It seems pretty big that The Dudette was able to have that kind of conversation with Walter… That he felt safe enough to share his real feelings and fears, and that they were both able to see the big picture of the situation.

    It just sucks that the big picture is still such a mess. I’m both sorry and disgusted to see this drag on endlessly.

    I’m glad to see you back on here, I have often wondered about your family’s situation. Looking forward to the day when you can share about Walter’s case moving forward. It will come!

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